The Instant Confession
Susie does an thorough moral inventory, and not for the first time
Hells' bells! Did you know there are confession apps for your phone that allow sinners to take a fearless moral inventory?
Here’s a few: Confess Guide, iConfess, Laudate, myParish.
In my childhood confessions to the priests I would tremble to admit I was angry at my mother, that I resented cleaning and cooking, or that I wished the school bully would drop dead. I got quite a bit of penance for those things in my 60s girlhood. I remember being on my knees for two hours in the pews reciting my required prayers.
For those of you who haven’t done a formal Catholic confession, it’s not a police procedure. Each time you make a confession, you prepare by contemplating your whole life, and where you’ve fallen short, using the 10 Commandments as your guide.
The *official* Catholic Church asks the hard questions; you spill the beans. There is no wiggling out of it. You either sinned or you didn’t. I like the clarity!
Using their contemporary examination criteria, (which has rewritten the 5th Commandment since my youth) I present my confession below, the first one I've made in 57 years.
1st Commandment: I am the LORD your God. Thou shalt not have strange Gods before me.
Do I not give God time every day in prayer?
I do not.
Do I not seek to love Him with my whole heart?
I do not. I am an atheist, a lapsed Irish Roman Catholic brought up in the American church of the 1960s when we protested the war and the nuns took their habits off and the priests ran away to become gay liberationists.
Have I been involved in superstitious practices?
No. In the 60s at my parochial school, there was a great fear of children playing with Ouija boards. We were told that the entire Charles Manson gang was under the influence of Ouija board Satanism and asked to make a pledge we’d never indulge in the “game.” What Sister Jude didn’t realize was that most of the fourth-grade classroom she lectured, had never even heard of a “Wee-Gee” board before her announcement, and afterward, we were crawling with curiosity.
Do I not seek to surrender myself to God's Word?
No.
Have I ever received Communion in a state of Mortal sin?
The last time I went to confession I was nine years old. The most tearful sin I had on my conscience was my silent anger at my mother and her rules. I also loved the Beatles and I knew our parish didn't approve. There was more focus on “The Beatles” as a source of sin in those days than “abortion.”
Have I ever deliberately told a lie in confession or withheld a mortal sin?
No. I won't start here, either.
2nd Commandment: Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord your God in Vain
Have I used God's name in vain?
Yes.
Have I been angry with God?
Well, at my age now, that’d be like being angry with an imaginary friend. I’m not longer a believer.
However, when I was little, and a believer, yes, I would cry with frustration and helplessness, that “God” would not stop the evil and tragedies I saw around me. Both personal (family crises) and political (the War).
Have I wished evil upon another person?
Towards unholy dictators and figureheads, I guess so. I would call this wish, "hostility on public figures who are bad actors."
Have I wished evil upon another person?
Evil is imaginary, like God.
Have I insulted a sacred person or abused a sacred object?
Does a giant rosary hanging from my bedroom wall count?
3rd Commandment: Remember to keep holy the Lord's Day
Have I deliberatly missed Mass on Sunday?
Yes!
Have I tried to observe Sunday as a family day and day of rest?
I sure try.
Do I do needless work on Sunday?
Lamentably, I do. I need a change.
4th Commandment: Honor thy father and mother
Have I neglected my duties to my husband and children?
No.
Have I not given my family good religious example?
I think my religious education efforts have been exemplary.
Do I try not to bring peace to my family life?
On the contrary, I try a lot. I like peace.
Do I not care for my aged and infirm relatives?
I care, and am there, and it is heartbreaking. I fear I don’t have the strength to get through it. What do you do?
5th Commandment: Thou shalt not kill
Have I had an abortion or encouraged anyone to have an abortion?
Yes, Yes.
I have to say, I can't believe this is the FIRST question on a 5th Commandment list.
When I was a practicing Catholic in the 1960s, the 5th Commandment question would have been on the subject of murder, as in, causing the death of another live human being.
Abortion was “wrong” in the Church when I was young, but not particularly emphasized. It was thought of as a more “Protestant” hysteria. Yes!
Have I physically harmed anyone?
No. I have used colorful language imagining it, though.
Have I abused alcohol or drugs?
As in "killing" someone? Killing yourself? This question used to be along the lines of, suicidal ideation or suicide attempts.
Come on, what is “getting high” doing in the 5th commandment? A hangover question? However, my Polly Purebred answer is still no. Drugs aren't my weakness.
Did I give scandal to anyone, leading them into sin?
By this insinuation, I hope so.
Have I been angry or resentful?
Yes. You got me. I'm taking years off my life with it, too.
Have I harbored hatred in my heart?
I hate to admit this. Yes. Finally, the one question in this entire examination that causes me guilt and pain. I feel bad. Lay on the penance.
Have I mutilated myself through sterilization?
Whoa.
What's with the language here?
As a matter of fact, yes. In my late 40s, I had an endometrial ablation to stop menstrual hemorrhaging that came with version of perimenopause. The procedure makes it impossible for a uterus to sustain pregnancy.
Not a mutilation; a salvation.
Have I encouraged sterilization or condoned it?
Of course.
6th Commandment: Thou shalt not commit adultery
Have I been faithful to my marriage in thought and action?
I'm very loyal. Monogamy is not our litmus test.
Have I been guilty of any homosexual activity?
Yes.
Have I used any method of contraception?
All of them! I wish they worked better.
Have the sexual acts in my marriage always been open to the transmission of new life?
'Fraid not!
Have I been guilty of masturbation?
As charged.
Have I not sought to control my thoughts?
Not the sexual ones, no.
Have I not respected all members of the opposite sex— or have I thought of other people as objects?
I have respected everyone's dignity and humanity, regardless of gender. I don't think we're so "opposite."
What's with the Dworkinite postcript on this? The notion of "people as objects" is inane; it isn't biblical. I would be a lunatic to confuse a person with a chair, for example.
I guess this phrase means, "Have I ever gazed upon an image of someone and had a sexual fantasy about them?" Yes, and it is the most human thing in the world.
Do I seek to be chaste?
Certainly not.
Am I not careful to dress modestly?
I take care to dress with great impact.
7th Commandment: Thou shalt not steal
Have I stolen what is not mine?
No.
(Okay, so I still have your cute earrings that you left at my house. But you know that).
Do I waste time at work, school, or home?
Yes. Time Bandit!
Do I gamble excessively?
Not at all. I didn't realize it was okay to gamble "a little!” But it's not my thing.
Do I avoid paying my debts promptly?
I wish I could avoid them entirely, but I am intimidated.
Do I not seek to share what I have with the poor?
I'm a big sharer. It's the most "Catholic" part of me. I'm impressed that the app-priests remembered to put this at the very END of their list. It should be at the top.
8th Commandment: Thou shalt not bear false witness against your neighbor
Have I lied?
It's unavoidable. But I'm telling the truth here.
Have I gossiped?
Playfully.
Have I spoken behind someone's back?
To my confidants, yes.
Am I insincere in my dealings with others?
No. Terrible at faking that.
Am I critical, negative, or uncharitable in my thoughts of others?
In a bratty way, yes. But in serious terms, I am the empathetic type.
Do I keep secret what should be kept confidential?
Yes.
9th Commandment: Thou shalt not covet your neighbor's wife
Have I consented to impure thoughts?
The very best kind!
Have I caused them by impure reading, movies, conversations, or curiousity?
What is this, my job description?
Do I allow myself to lose control of my imagination?
WOW. I live to lose control of my imagination.
Do I avoid prayer to banish impure thoughts and tempataions?
I relish poetry to improve them.
10th Commandment: Thou shalt not covet your neighbor's goods
Am I jealous of what other people have?
Well, darn it, yes. But it passes quickly.
Do I envy the families or possessions of others?
When I am feeling sorry for myself, yes. Especially people who have a new pair of killer shoes.
Am I greedy or selfish?
Greedy, no. Selfish, yes.
Are material possessions the purpose of my life?
No. That was never a source of esteem in my family.
Do I not trust in God will care for all my material and spiritual needs?
I didn't know this was an option! Please forward His address so I can mail the bills and my grocery list!
Photo Notes
The photo for this story is me at my First Communion, which takes place for Catholic children when they are six or seven. They prepare for that day at the same time as their “First Confession;” the two go hand in hand.
I was very excited, in queue for my First Communion. I was so psyched to have Jesus, his actual body as represented by the host, placed in my mouth. I would have a big private talk with him.
I was let down and worried when nothing happened except the communion wafer stuck to the roof of my mouth.
I was frightened by the priest in the confession booth, who gave me five Hail Mary's, one Apostles' Creed, ten Our Fathers... this was for the sin of "thinking bad thoughts about my mother's discipline and not truly wanting to do all the dishes."
You see that nun in the background with the aviator shades? She used to hit us across the face. Time for confession, maybe?
I’d love to hear about your confessions, early or recent, in the comments, below!
I’d love to hear about your memory of “confession,” early or recent.
Sinner! Say fifty Hail Marys! Actually, rosaries are great insomnia cures. About ten prayers in ,the our fathers and the Hail Marys all slush together in a formless blob like Demi at the end of that rogue cosmetics movie. Oh shit, a spoiler. Why would anybody be anything but a Catholic? The glitz, the drama! Going to Europe shortly to try to figure out why I hate God and love cathedrals.