Today is the Clinically-Proven Worst Day of the Year

It's not just you— January’s third week contains the Worst Day of the Year. You’re probably in pretty tough shape.

According to the brightest publicists and mathematical statisticians, today sucks. The Clinically Proven Worst Day of the Year is Blue Monday, also known as the start of the third week in January. Terrible Tuesday isn’t far behind. And “WTF Wednesday . . . “ you’re not getting out of it until February 1st.

© Honey Lee Cottrell, San Francisco, 1990

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Yes, today could be the date that Dorothy Parker wrote:

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

According to the Late January Biochemists, today's formula for perfect misery is:

Works like a charm, doesn't it?

W is the foul weather.

D is your insane amount of debt.

T is the time passed since your meltdown at Christmas.

I'm not sure— because confidence isn't my strong suit this month— but I believe the M is for the New Year's resolution motivations you've already given up.

Studies show that if you were a butterball chain-smoking dope fiend on the first of the month, you really haven't budged an inch.

There's remedial web sites to advise you on how to beat these Late-Juno Blues, but I'm not going to link to them.

"Run a mile," the perky experts write.

"Write a list of everything you should be grateful for."

"Curl up and watch The Sound of Music."

How 'bout if I ring up whoever compiled that list and tell them to FUCK OFF? See, that puts a smile on my face.