The Trauma Slap - And The Trigger You Never Saw Coming

In the days after Will Smith’s Oscar “slap” debacle, the actor resigned from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. He was overcome with shame and regret.

I didn’t chalk it up to a PR move. I am sure he was miserable.

I am so certain, because I’ve been there, too.

In neuro-psych speak: Smith, in his formal resignation to the Academy, was trying to pull himself out of the hypo-arousal state.

He wanted to enter a “regulated” state, where his frontal cortex is running the show— instead of his hyper-aroused amygdala, which ran him aground on Oscar Night.

I’ve been there. I’ve slapped someone. I‘ve been in a reckless rage. I’ve been so mad I didn’t care if the whole world saw me go wild.

And the come-down is BAD.

Another thing I have in common with Will Smith, if his old memoir is correct: I got “slapped” — and much worse— as a child. All the time. I have complex PTSD, a high “ACE’s” score, and so does Will Smith.

So do a lot of people.

Here’s something I have in common with Chris Rock, if his memoir is correct: I was beaten by my peers as a child. Nobody talked about bullying back then. My mom told me, “Toughen up.”

And if you were a working class child of my generation, with family ancestry that carried a heavy load of inferiority fears and exclusion, that was exactly what you could expect.

Read up, people.

Here’s what no one has said in public— and I’m surprised because every shrink, cop, nurse, and social worker knows it—

Will Smith’s trigger, what made him explode, was NOT the fucking “joke.”

No!

He was in the danger zone BEFORE the joke, in a private moment that no one else knows about.

You don’t know it; I don’t know it. We have no idea.

He had a “point of overwhelm” when Rock delivered the punchline and Smith’s wife Jada rolled her eyes.

But THAT was not the trigger. The trigger happened some minutes— or even HOURS— before. Think on that.

(There’s another topic to be unpacked re: jokes about someone’s appearance, or alopecia, or “cutting” someone — but WAKE UP! The joke is not why Smith flipped his lid! His fight-or-flight consciousness was in play, before the punchline landed).

Acting out your rage, has a time-lapse. The trigger happens before the incident.

That’s why I knew as a child, that when my mom came home from work, with a weird look on her face, that something had “happened.” —Something she did not tell me.

Then, when I didn’t wash a fork the right way, or she was stim’d by another exterior force, THAT became the “point of overwhelm.”

Her trigger had happened hours, before.

Smith’s escalation trigger happened before anyone else was aware of it. . . except perhaps his family, or people who know him well.

When I was in a vulnerable zone as a young person, my family could tell by the look in my eyes.