The Occasional Sex Question

Not One Drop of Sex Since the Pandemic?

“March” by Joyce Ballantyne

I got a letter the other day from a reader who appreciated my historic relationship sex advice.

I thought I'd answer it here, as I imagine many can relate:

Hi Susie,

My partner Sela and I have been together for two years. It’s been a rough road, but we are emotionally connected and love each other very much.

However, we haven’t had sex or physical intimacy since July of 2020.

She has been through a lot of trauma during that time. Death of loved one, business stress, loss of beloved dog. Her mother became estranged from her, in part, at least, because of our marriage. COVID.

Sela says she’s attracted to me but has no libido.

Is this bed-death? Or "normal?"

We are also both sober. It’s the first sober relationship for both of us. I’m two years in and want it to work.

I just feel frustrated and a bit insecure.

B.

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Dear B,

The pandemic has created a "loss of sex" like nothing else in a hundred years.

If that offers you some solace, please take that small comfort, because anyone could empathize with your loneliness and hunger for physical affection, sexual connection. It is as much a loss as any other.

I'd say it's normal situation vs. a lesbian bed-death canard.

Men and women, straight and gay, cis/nonbinary, high/not-high— no one has been immune!

Here's the thing: the most common complaint among couples, is the difference in frequency of desire. —Not quality, not how it feels when they do it— frequency.

Single people think this fact is darkly hilarious, because even couples bickering, still have more sex than singletons.

It's proximity. Every once in a while, the more-disinterested person cracks, usually because of a hormone surge.

But back to you. Despite the big-data picture, despite the personal tragedies you described, it doesn't make it okay to suffer on.

I don't think any of Sela’s “losses” are what made her libido plummet, not in and of themselves. Stress is unpredictable— it makes some people hornier; it doesn't necessarily lead to a libido drop.

You say you haven't had sex for three-quarters of your relationship! That's the main thing.

You two became very close friends, and lost your mojo. You are relate like exes who became family.

Of course I don't know Sela's story. It sounds like you, at least, can talk frankly .

Could you tell her that you'd like to have that kind of sexy love in your life? —And that you don't think she's responsible for it? (She really isn't).

Could you confide to her that you do want a change, so you could have a chance?

She has every right to forego sex, that's not the issue.

(Does she masturbate, I wonder. Do you?)

Neither is her disinterest a wrong inclination; it's simply a biological urge and one can't take it for granted.

The problem is, it's detrimental to have you follow the same path as if you were chained at the clit. You don’t have your own path, and that’s crushing.

There needs to be a change.

If Sela is motivated to have sex with you again, she could elect therapy, take hormones, try some espresso and cannabis — anything to indulge the first steps of foreplay until her sex drive clicks in. She would need to take it on as an experience she wants to regain, to pursue the adventure. It’s an intellectual decision at first, to seek out a lost appetite.

But all of that takes motivation, and action. Even men don't sign up for Viagra and hormones unless they want to have sex, at least theoretically. Wanting it is the whole ball of wax.

Perhaps Sela could confess she loves you as family, and prefers a best friend. That would be a relief to get that out in the open.

Over time, such friendship could be a godsend, but you need to have the choice, not to mention the time to deal with it. To acknowledge the loss. You need your own agency.

I promise you, that quietly hoping her lack of interest, which is at zero, is going to change, after two years of nothing... will come to naught.

I am only telling you what you know, and I'm sorry.

And here's the thing: because you haven't had partner-sex in so long, you are rusty, too. Who knows what you're up for, or how you'd like to find that kind of love again. I know it’s scary, but I’m rooting for you.

For all you know, you could end up on the other end of the frequency debate someday. It's a good tonic to know both sides!

If you had told me that you two once had really hot chemistry, blazing, and you had at least a year of it in the beginning, I might change my mind. Hot origins do count for something.

But I guess this isn't the case here, or you would've fondly mentioned it.

Please know your sexual desire is precious, and someone out there would cherish you for it! I'm touched you wrote me. I've been on both sides of this equation myself.

LOVE and erotic lights at ends of tunnels,

Susie