Coed Confidential

I miss school. I miss teaching. And I miss my own brand of sex-ed.

Sep 03, 2024

I used to travel the country like a Methodist circuit rider— except instead of the Bible, I was saddled up with sex education and just as much determination to deliver justice!

I KNEW I WAS getting old the year I went on my annual speaking pilgrimage to various universities, looked out at the crowd, and imagined what my daughter would be like at their age. When I started teaching on campuses, I was in my 20s: the students were the same age as my peers and lovers.

I certainly didn’t have people asking me petrified-fossil questions like the girl who raised her hand at one of my lectures and said, “So, how hard is it to get it on when you’re thirty-seven?”

“Well, first I bend over my walker, and then . . . ”

In the 90s, I was a hot item on campuses because of “AIDS-awareness.” The colleges were, for a minute, dedicated to educating their students on how to protect or conserve themselves, and they would put up good money for an expert to spell out the do’s and don’t’s. I was qualified as such, but I had no intention of showing my audience how to put a condom on a banana.

I knew they’d already been inundated with safe-sex packages and warning stickers, and while it’s worth finding out whether they put any of it into practice, I wasn’t going to patronize them.

I knew I’d be addressing undergrads who were “virgins” and felt like the biggest geeks on earth. There would be others who were having their sexual premieres and wondering, “Is that all there is?” Some students were having secret affairs their parents would despise, because it was with the “wrong” type of person; others were about to come out of the closet with their true sexual preference; and a few, a glorious few, were in love and feeling truly sexy for the first time in their lives.

It was first times, first sensations, first doubts— like a trip to the moon. Safe sex techniques was secondary to the main event, which was their spanking new independence.

It was the students’ lack of self-consciousness that kept me coming back for more. They think that sex matters, politically and personally; so we were on similar tracks. Youth culture is perennial in the authentic essentials: bodily fluids, sex, death, things that can be demonstrated. They like over-the-top declarations of love and passion and justice, and they know everybody is a star; it’s just all so fleeting.

The students who came to my lectures were cynical about the sex education they saw on campus. They were willing to check me out on the slight chance I unleashed a half-kernel of sexual wisdom.

Many campuses are small enough that everyone knew everyone else in the room. Since that is intimidating for freewheeling discussion, I devised an essential sex survey—something quick, dirty, and anonymous. As soon as the students entered the auditorium, I handed each a white index card and a pencil. I explained it would be helpful to understand where they were coming from.

I stuck to the basics, which tell you everything. The first question was, “Do you masturbate?”

The second question followed from the first: “Do you have orgasms? And do you enjoy having orgasms?”

The boys in the room burst out laughing at both queries.

The girls looked at them indignantly. The boys take masturbation and orgasm for granted, but for the women, this was a do-or-die question! It hadn’t occurred to the men that this was perhaps the biggest gender gap of all.

Often, on the index cards, the women would write next to the orgasm question a YES!!! with exclamation marks, like it was a tremendous accomplishment— no young man did that.

Many women questioned whether they’d an orgasm or not—they weren’t sure—but every man was certain one way or the other.

Some women answered “No” to masturbation, but said that they did have orgasms, but only with a partner, which meant they were dependent on that partner to come.

None of the men shared that experience.

Question 3: I asked if they’d had sex with another person, and I was surprised how many had. Maybe the Chastity Club was boycotting me, or those Gallup polls are really off the mark.

Or perhaps I got a more inclusive response because I don’t make the usual assumptions about “intercourse:” I made sure to say that “sex” didn’t have to be penis-vagina intercourse, but rather any substantial, complete-feeling sexual encounter with another human being. Sodomy counts. ;-) Mutual masturbation. You get the idea. This is why the word “virginity” is so misleading.

I asked them if they were attracted to men, women, or both—deliberately not using orientation labels like gay or bi, since they are potentially meaningless when it comes to someone’s actual behavior. Thank you, Dr. Kinsey.

The gay statistics I collected were pretty typical (8 percent for men, 12 percent for women), but what really interested me was the “both” statistics: 29 percent for the guys, 43 percent for the girls.

In their comments, they would often say they hadn’t actually had an experience with the same sex, but that they thought about it, fantasized, or liked to keep an open mind. Some of them felt it was impossible to eliminate an entire gender from their sexual possibilities, as if swearing off half the planet.

Keep in mind, this was the 90s. I thought it was interesting that only 64 percent of the men identified themselves as straight, period. I don’t think I would have gotten that result when I was in college in the 70/80 cusp; men were more uptight about bisexuality. No men answered “not sure,” but some women did, indicating again that women were less confident in general about what turns them on.

My last question was, “How’s your love life?” If they had to rate their overall sex life on a scale from 1 to 10, where would it fall?

I added that I knew this exercise was terribly unfair, to be assigning a number that might change next week, but I just wanted a spur-of-the moment temperature reading on their sexual happiness.

This was the one question that the women were more affirmative about: 50 percent of them rated their sex life from seven to ten, compared to 36 percent of the guys.

I gathered from the men’s comments that they were answering this question from the point of view of “Am I getting any?”

But for the women, it wasn’t a question of whether they were having sex—it was a question of how satisfying it was. Some women who were partnered gave themselves a low mark because they were disillusioned with the quality, and of course some women were simply single and miserable.

There were a few men and women who gave themselves a ZERO, even though my scale started at one. Oh, I know that feeling, too!

At the bottom of their index cards, I asked my undergraduate guinea pigs to write down any question about sex they had on their minds: personal, political, anatomical, whatever. When they turned in the cards, I picked a few at random to read. Everyone was on pins and needles, hoping I would choose their anonymous offering, or at least one that sounded like theirs.

The questions were fantastic (see them below) and prompted me to suggest having a sexuality forum on campus, where these things would get addressed in as frank a manner as they deserved.

I couldn’t help but speculate about the concerns that came up over and over.

Erotic compatibility was a big one—trying to find someone who liked you the way you liked them, who would touch you the way you wanted to be touched, let you touch them the way you fantasized it could be.

Searching for a partner, was on a lot of people’s minds: the question of how to even get to page one, how to test the waters, how to be intuitive.

As for the technique questions, the number one thing men asked was how to perform cunnilingus, and do it “right.”

On the girl side, the overwhelming questions about sexual performance were: “How can I come? How can I come more easily? How can I come at all?”

Even though only 13 percent of the women polled said they had never experienced orgasm, over half the questions from women in the crowd were about orgasmic frustration.

Is there a correlation between guys wanting to know how to give a woman head, and women who aren’t getting off?

I think many of the young men who asked weren’t simply collecting data, but wanted to please a woman. I mean, if they were crazy about eating pussy for their own sake, they would have figured it out by now, because their heterosexual enthusiasm is 80 percent of the trick. The men asking wanted to know because they think it is a valuable lovemaking ability, one for which they want to be appreciated.

(My friend Ari didn’t share my optimism—he insists that guys just want to know how things work for the hell of it, “like how to wind an antique cuckoo clock.” I pray that their interest isn’t purely mechanical).

While men were searching for clit, women were asking where their G-spots were, and how they could ejaculate. It is such a female sex question, to be searching for your sex: WHERE IS IT, WHERE IS IT?

Men don’t have this location problem.

Not surprisingly, the most common questions that were not performance-oriented had to do with fantasy: erotic wishes and daydreams.

They asked, “What does it mean if I think about lesbian sex but I’ve never done it?” They confessed, “I think about being called nasty names in bed” or, “I think about getting it on with more than one person.”

THINKING about it is what really turns the person on. They don’t know yet. This is youth! Some may be on their way to fulfilling the dream, while others will linger in their fantasy, without ever making the slightest effort to realize it.

Our puritanical American belief that every wish, is as fleshy as the deed itself is not true. Consider the unconscious alternative!

Young people are at a unique moment in their fantasies, because their independent sexual lives are beginning, whereas their fantasy lives have been alive and kicking since they were little. Agency is finally available to them. They don’t know yet what is on their agenda and what they’d prefer to keep playing out in their minds.

What was impressive about the undergrad questions was that they were “grown up,” compared to the image the mainstream media gives of college kids’— which is that they’re all innocent babes or total heathens.

I read an editorial by critic Anne Roiphe during my sex-ed heyday, in which she wrote that teenagers have sex for sad and rebellious reasons. I couldn’t believe she left out the other half—the ecstasy and happiness of first sexual adventures, the intense comfort and familiarity that comes with finding your first lover, the first person you get to know intimately.

I had my first kiss, my first everything— in high school. I had a yellow writing pad that I kept as a coded diary of my infatuations of the moment. If this sounds geeky and immature— yes, I was. I’m so glad I saved this scrap of paper, so I can laugh about it now.

At the time, I would write down my lover’s name, how old I was, (16 and 17) and how old they were. For the first year I kept track of whether I had an orgasm or not, since it was significant to me and also something that felt entirely out of my hands.

After the first year, I figured out my orgasm was in my hands, and I had enough confidence to share with anyone I went to bed with. The orgasm code fell off my diary entries. It was no big deal anymore.

The enduring controversy of my list was how earnestly I recorded whether I was “in love” with my partners—something which, I was sure at the time, could be answered after one night.

I started out with a star symbol, which meant L-O-V-E. But the next person I slept with, oh, I loved them so much more—which made a mockery of my little star, so I decided on a two-star system.

“Four stars” later, I was fed up with my scheme. How could I be so dense? Love was deep.

By the end of my seventeenth year, I differentiated between chemistry, friendship, whirlwind romance, blind luck.

I know some people have a first love—the love of their life—early on, but for me, love was a maturing plant. I’ve never loved anyone as deeply and unselfishly as I do today, and if I had met my current lover as a teen . . . huh, I wonder. I was on such an adventure then. I wanted experience.

I stopped keeping a “list” when I experienced my first heartbreak, the night all the stars went out, the year I cried every day.

I even took a lover who was also heartbroken—the only way I could stand to share a bed. We would hold each other’s wounded parts, like cradles. We wept in bed. That is a special friend to have, too.

I would’ve spurned anyone who interrupted my heartbroken year and told me I was being “overwrought.” No, I was eighteen and I understood the unrequited. I knew how to ache beyond solace. I’d been lied to. I’d lied to myself. I think about this every time I speak to a group of young people today.

Today’s age-deprived are not so different from me in the early days: making lists and wishes and waiting for the real thing—erotic bliss and true love.

Questions from Students

I don’t know if it’s the researcher in me. I just never tire of re-reading student questions. I wonder, in the less-anatomical division, how my answers might have changed or stayed steadfast over the years.

Below are some of the questions written on all those index cards. I wonder what happened to all of them.

Bold-faced questions are from men; italicized ones are from women. I’d love to hear your thoughts. These are just a few of the thousands in my files.

HOW-TO

Is there any way to make sure that (vaginal) fisting will work?
How can you have anal sex without having it hurt?
What about having anal sex with a man with him as a receiver?
What’s the best position for women to have an orgasm during heterosexual sex?
Do all women get pleasure from having their breasts touched?
Why are men so clueless about female anatomy?
What are you supposed to do when you have oral sex?
What is the correct way to perform cunnilingus?
I can I last longer during sex?
How can you please a woman without having oral sex?
What is the secret of an expert blowjob?
Is it possible to have sex in a stand-up shower?
What are good tips for cunnilingus (besides being gentle)?
How can I control my ejaculations during sex without breaking the natural flow of the experience?
I can’t have an orgasm with manual masturbation, only by friction—things like being on top during sex. How can I learn to masturbate manually?
Can you recommend a good natural lubricant for those dry days? The stuff at the store is too expensive and I like to use and make my own cosmetics.
How do you make safe sex unclinical?
I want advice on kissing.
How on earth are you supposed to perform oral sex with a dental dam?
Give me some concrete advice to help my girlfriend achieve orgasm.
What’s the best way to improve a male’s endurance?
Shouldn’t guys know the essentials of a good blowjob—how to give a good one?

PSYCH 101

What am I doing here?
Why do I like to be demanding during sex?
Is sexuality an important defining characteristic of individuals?
What do men look for in other men?
What do you think a speak-out on sexual pleasure would look like?
Why is there never enough time for sex?

PHYSIO

Is there really a G-spot? Does every woman have one? Am I broken for life?
What’s up with the “wandering” clitoris? I’ve heard it moves location, like from side to side.
What do women like best about intercourse?
Please talk about female ejaculation. Am I ejaculating, or am I urinating, or something else weird?
What do you think of the G-spot?
What can you do if you want to like penetration, but aren’t comfortable physically (i.e., can’t even use tampons)?
What do you know about female ejaculation? (I ejaculate copiously and find it somewhat embarrassing, since I know so little about it.)
Is it possible to numb your clitoris with too much sex?
Do all women have G-spots?
Is there such a thing as too much sex?
Can you really get your entire forearm up your butt? Sounds scary . . .
I know where my clit is but it doesn’t seem to work. Help!
Where IS your clitoris?
Does anal sex loosen your bum up and cause . . . problems?
Is anal sex actually more pleasurable for males than females?

ORGASM

What about if you can only come one way, the same way every time? ARGH!
What are all the different types of orgasms women can have and is there a spiritual women’s sexual pinnacle?
Is having an orgasm while having sex with another person different from an orgasm from masturbation?
Why do I only orgasm when I masturbate and not when I have sex?
Is it wrong if I’ve never really masturbated?
I have orgasms alone, but I can’t with my boyfriend…any tips on how to relax? Also, my boyfriend has started to come a few minutes after we start sex. Help!
How can I make myself come?
How do you know if you’ve had an orgasm? What does it feel like?
Do you have to have an orgasm to enjoy sex?
Since I haven’t orgasmed, is it something that will change—and how?
Is there a difference between clitoral and vaginal orgasms?
I can’t let myself have an orgasm. It sucks. Any suggestions?
Do women have to wait until they’re older to have an orgasm?
Why can’t I have an orgasm sometimes when I’m really turned on?
Don’t men and women have different orgasms?
If you’re used to using a vibrator and can’t have an orgasm with someone else, what do you do?
What are multiple orgasms exactly? How many women can have one, and where can I get one?
What should you do if your partner can’t come?
How many women don’t have orgasm and what can they do about it?
Is there any way to reach orgasm faster? When I’m with someone else it can take an hour. How can I best help my partner get me off, or reach orgasm faster?
Why is it sometimes harder and takes longer for a woman to become horny and achieve orgasm right after waking up?

WHOM YOU LIKE

Do you ever feel less queer because you have long hair? I do.
Is it really different having sex with girls instead of boys?
How do I meet hot women if I have a very visible boyfriend?
Do you think that there really are 50/50 bisexuals or that everyone is?
How do you know if you’re gay?
How best to come out?
How do you move from sleeping with men to sleeping with women?
Why would you sleep with men after being a lesbian?
I identify as heterosexual but I do think about women sometimes and I think I’d like to explore that—but I have no idea how.
I’ve been with one woman and one man, but I don’t know if I am bisexual or lesbian.
I had sex with my same-sex best friend. She freaked out and I’ve vowed never to touch a woman again.
What is good lesbian sex?

EXPLAIN THIS…

How does sex feel when you’re pregnant?
How common are sex parties?
Is there good sex after Vassar?
Anal sex—is it safe? Good? Bad? Anything?

MASTURBATION

How can I help a female friend get over thinking that masturbation is disgusting?
How many ways are there for women to masturbate?
Can you masturbate too much?
Is it a sign of insecurity to masturbate after sex if your partner hasn’t satisfied you?
If I can’t masturbate, will I never come, even during sex?
Is it true that if you use a vibrator you will become dependent and unable to have orgasm manually?
I’ve tried masturbating and find that I can get turned on but I can’t seem to climax. Any tips?

COMMUNICATION

How do you keep sex interesting in a long-term monogamous relationship?
How can sexual tension be maintained in a long-term relationship?
Say I’m really curious about something sexual, like, it sounds awfully cool, and I try it with a partner and it feels WEIRD. Okay. That’s embarrassing. How do I suggest trying it differently without hurting my friend’s feelings?
Would you tell a new partner if you were uneasy about how to have sex these days (can’t let go), or would you keep quiet about it to keep from jinxing the situation?
I project an image of the Great Prude. I am not a prude, if my imagination is any clue. However, shyness always gets in my way. How can I become sexier without going overboard?
Why do people always say “are you having sex” and presume it means one thing? Oral sex is not equal to vaginal sex is not equal to anal sex, but damn it, it all counts.
How do you know when a person’s serious?
I want to have sex with a man I don’t know very well. How can I attract him?
Why can’t I approach women!
I’m in a relationship with someone who is a virgin and wants to stay that way—but I want to make love with them…what to do?
At what point does being open about sexuality become harassment of the public?
How do you know if you’ve pleased someone sexually?
What’s a good way to get yourself to open your mouth and tell your partner how to satisfy you?

TOYS

Can you give some advice about sex toys during masturbation?
What is the safest way to sterilize leather sex toys?
What kind of flavored heating lubricant would you recommend? I found the one I tried to be a big disappointment.
If you’re having sex with a woman, why use a dildo?
What about vegetables?
Where’s the best place to keep the K-Y/Astroglide/etc.?
Do you know if the “tongue” vibrator is any good?
Can you explain the strap-on dildo thing—how, etc.—I know nothing.
Will they ever market dental dams for sexual use?

COMPATIBILITY

Can stylistic differences be overcome? If yes, how? For example, S/M preference vs. gentle and tender lovemaking?
Why aren’t I attracted to someone who is like myself?
Why does the male perspective of sex differ from the female, i.e., locker-room talk?
Why do I seem to meet so many women who bring a political agenda to sex?
Why does plain vanilla sex become less and less satisfying?
I’m happy in my relationship in every sense except sexually. Suggestions?
I’m into light S/M, my partner is not. What can be done about this? Also, any recommendations for two “tops”?
Why do I want to be sexually involved with people when I am constantly unsatisfied?
Should I fool around with someone I don’t like because I need sex?
Do you think it is better to be in love with someone with whom you are having regular sex? Is it bad if they love you, but you don’t feel the same?
Is gender more important than the individual? I.e., would someone rather have sex with a jerk of correct gender or with someone cool, no matter what gender?

SEDUCTION

How do you get a woman to sleep with you or how do you flirt with women?
How can I get some gay sex here?
Without becoming active in the gay community, how am I supposed to find a girlfriend?
How do you seduce straight (questionably straight) people? How do you sustain flirting, romance, etc. in a long-term relationship?
Why am I only attracted to men I can never make (straight men)?
Why can’t I seem to get any? Everyone else does. How do I make myself clearly available without losing my pride or decorum?
Why do I scare men off when I talk about sex openly and freely?
Why do I love the idea of having sex and flirting, but when it gets down to it, I want to get sick?
Why am I so deathly afraid of rejection even though I am hot and bothered twenty-four hours a day?
Do any guys like women for reasons other than physical attractions?
What are successful flirting techniques?

ABUSE

How can I avoid getting flashbacks during sex? Or what should I do when I have them?
How are you ever to enjoy sex after you’ve been raped?
After you have been violated by a woman at the age of ten… Twelve years later you are crazy about a beautiful woman… how do you get over it?

TURN-OFFS

Have you ever been afraid of a penis?
How can I avoid the “turn-off” switch when my lover does me?
How can I convince myself to be turned on to other women?
What if I just don’t feel like it sometimes?
What should you do if your boyfriend’s fantasies disgust you?

EROTIC FANTASIES

Can you be a lesbo and still be turned on by erections? (Penile, I mean.)
Does fantasizing about lesbian sex make you a lesbian?
Is it normal to think about having sex with more than one person?
What does an increase in wet dreams indicate?
How can you always, or often, want to have sex with so many other more pressing things to do in your life?
I’ve heard that rape fantasies are common for women. True?
How do you interpret your fantasies?
I’m really turned on by the idea of impregnating a female partner, although I don’t intend to have kids anytime soon. What does this indicate?
What do I do if I run out of erotic fantasies?
Could you talk about submission?
Why am I turned on by the thought of sex with a gay man?
Does everyone have bisexual fantasies?
Why am I obsessed with giving people hickeys on their necks?
Why do I want to be dominated sexually?
How do I get rid of my own fantasies?

BODY IMAGE

How do you get to be comfortable with your body?
Please talk about standards of beauty in homosexual culture.
I don’t like having sex in the daylight. What can I do?

LOVE AND LUST

Why do I place so much value on the affection attached to sex?
Do lesbians really like sex? I come across so many women who just want to be friends. Is it all love and no sex for lesbians?
How can a person have a one-night stand and still talk to the person they hooked up with?
Can sex ever be unemotional? Are there always strings attached?
How can I explore sexually without making sex cheap?
Why don’t people respect that I plan to marry my first sexual partner?
Does lack of enjoyment mean lack of love?
Why can’t others understand that sleeping with an older lover has been special, beautiful, and satisfying?

ETHICS

Is it wrong to have a few, or several lovers? How many is wrong?
What about sex shouldn’t be public? Should anything be kept secret or cryptic?
Why do we have the young vs. older hang-up?
Is there something wrong with having relations with a person who is older than you? Or with someone who is in a position of power over you?
How can you be bisexual and monogamous?

MOAR!

There are a few books I recommend, for questions of technique, physiology, toys, all that how-does-it-work stuff:

The Good Vibrations Book of Sex by Cathy Winks and Anne Semans
The Erotic Mind by Jack Morin
The New Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld
Sex for One by Betty Dodson, plus her videos
The Playbook for Kids About Sex by Joani Blank (all ages in my opinion)

Susie Bright’s Journal